Mistress’s Journal Pt. 02: Connecting

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I woke in a cold sweat, my husband’s light, steady breathing beside me. “Breathe,” I coached myself mentally. My eyes fixed on the ceiling as I struggled to get my emotions under control. It seemed to get closer, to press down upon me. Then it blurred, disappeared before I realized my eyes had flooded with tears.

“Get it under control!” I chastised. “Peter can’t see you like this. How would you explain? Could you explain?!” My chest refused to move though I desperately tried sucking air in. My torso had been replaced with what felt like an empty pit that left me feeling sick. I continued to sob silently as the pain traveled to the back of my throat.

Peter stirred, and I froze, terrified of him waking to find me in this state. My body was rigid. My breathing stopped until I could sense that he was still asleep. I forced my legs over the side of the mattress, sliding as inaudibly from our bed as possible, like a ghost, creating no movement to rouse him.

Inside the bathroom, I placed my hands on the cool marble counter, locking my elbows to brace myself as my full weight fell on my arms. My head dropped to my chest. “Breathe,” I reminded myself. Shaky breaths filled and then deflated my lungs. I studied the teardrops I saw form tiny puddles on the countertop.

“You’ve broken your marriage vows,” my mind reeled. “What are you doing? Are you really in love with Steven?” Images of his face floated through my mind. His smile. His warm, chestnut eyes. I could hear his voice, feel the softness of his hair, taste his kiss. The bliss from the hours before filled my head, and my breathing slowed, becoming more normal. I couldn’t regret making love to him. I couldn’t deny the pleasure we had shared, the awakening that had occurred within me. Peter had never stirred those feelings, even when we had dated.

“I love him,” I murmured. Calm seized my body when the confession slid from my lips. “I do, I love him,” I repeated in my head.

I splashed water on my face, looked at my face in the mirror, and smiled. “I love him!” echoed again.

I stalked back to our bed and slipped timidly under the covers. Peter stirred again, waking this time. I rolled to put my back to him, but his arm swung around me, his hand fondling my breast. I could feel his stiffness as he pressed against me, moved my hair, and started kissing my neck and back. I tensed before reminding myself to act normal.

Peter’s arm pulled me to face him, and we kissed. “Breathe,” my mind said. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing into him, and imagined Steven. Peter climbed on top of me, pushing my nightgown up and sliding my underwear down my legs. I can feel the wetness of my cunt oozing into the hairs surrounding it as Steven’s face loomed above me. The roughness of a thumb brushed my clit, and I opened my eyes, startled to see the reality of Peter ready to enter me. I clamp my eyes shut again when I felt his hardness pushing inside of me. It hurt a little because I was so tense. I forced myself to relax.

It doesn’t take long for Peter to finish. He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, then my mouth. “Good morning,” he trilled. “Wow! That was great, honey. Morning sex, can’t beat it!”

“Mmm,” I respond wordlessly as Peter gets up. I watched his bare, naked butt walk to the restroom and close the door. Then I buried my face in the pillow for a moment to compose myself before I faced my day, work without Steven, and then dinner at home with Peter.

Hastily, I retreated to the shower once Peter was done. I know this will afford me time to compartmentalize things in my head before truly having to face him.

“You should have jumped in with me,” he smirked.

I smiled and kissed him on the tip of the nose. “Then you would be late. Better get a move on as it is!”

Each time I went into the office at work, I couldn’t help but reminisce about Steven and me making love on the desk. I swear I can still smell him. Like a spirit in the room, I can feel his touch, his kiss. I spend more time in the office today!

Steven and I both had the next day off. He called me to invite me to lunch like he has done so many times before, and I couldn’t wait to see him. However, I’m jolted by his somewhat haggard appearance when I arrive.

“Hi. canlı bahis Are you okay?” I inquired.

“I haven’t slept very well since the other night. You know…when we…,” he trails off.

“Oh, I understand.”

“We shouldn’t have done that.”

My face must have fallen at that point because Steven continued, “Oh, not that it wasn’t great or that I didn’t want to, because I did. It’s just, you know, we’re both…married.”

“No, I understand. I’ve been feeling guilty too.”

“Yes! Exactly!”

My eyes roved his stricken face searching for evidence of the same emotions I was feeling, desperate to find some shred of commonality, so I don’t feel like a fool. Was this just sex to Steven? I couldn’t bring myself to believe that. Was that because it isn’t true or because I don’t want it to be true? Steven recognized the struggle behind my eyes and gripped my arms, pulling me into an embrace.

“I love you,” I hear him say over the sound of his heartbeat. Then we break the embrace. After all, we are standing outside in public.

“I love you too,” I declared. Our eyes spoke volumes to each other in those few moments. They spoke of love, tenderness, want, desire, pain, and struggle. Both of us feeling the same things, grappling with the same demons, succumbing to the same emotions.

“We can’t do that again,” Steven stated. I nodded in agreement.

One afternoon Steven and I met at a secluded park in town with spectacular views of the river. We had the park to ourselves, and it seemed we were in a world all our own, no one to uncover our secret. Free to cuddle together, warming each other against the cooling autumn breeze. As we sat on the bench, Steven’s arms around me protectively, me sitting in front of him leaning back against him, he tells me about growing up-playing tennis, attending college but not using the degree in History he earned as he strokes my arm.

He asked me about what my life was like growing up, but I’m reluctant to share after hearing about the closeness his family shared. Steven sensed my hesitancy but didn’t pressure me to talk. He knew intuitively what I needed, patience, support. His arms tightened around me as he kissed the top of my head.

“My life…it’s been…complicated,” I began slowly, cautiously. How could I tell him what my short twenty-two years had been like? He could never look at me the same way, not after knowing. I didn’t know whether I was ready to share this with him.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Steven soothed.

“I want to. It’s just…difficult,” I mumbled.

“When you’re ready, you’ll tell me. If that isn’t now, that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

His last words were like a key unlocking my heart, opening the door to the darkest parts of my past.

“My dad…he wasn’t a nice man. I remember some good times.”

Steven was quiet, listening, holding me. He didn’t ask me questions or make any comments, somehow knowing that I’d retreated inside of myself, and the only thing he could do was wait for me to continue.

“When I was young…I’m not sure how old, but I remember what I looked like…my father molested me. He used to beat my oldest sister because she was so headstrong and wouldn’t listen to him. He propositioned my other sister, offering to pay her to have sex with him when my mom was visiting her sister, nursing her through her cancer until she passed away. He only hit me once, but that one punch sent me flying into the wall. I ran away that night, but I was stupid and went to my sister’s apartment. She had moved out. I didn’t know where else to go. She called my mom at work, and my mom picked me up at midnight when she got off work. I didn’t speak with my dad for a week.”

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop now that the flood gates were open. I still wasn’t sure how Steven would react, but I hadn’t shared any of this with anyone but my two best friends in high school. Steven rested his cheek on the top of my head and squeezed me. I sighed and continued.

“When I was sixteen, I found out that he wasn’t my biological father. I was actually relieved! But it took me a while to reconcile the fact that my sisters were only bahis siteleri half-sisters, and the two half-brothers I thought I had were really no relation at all.”

I sat forward, pulling away from Steven but not willing to face him for fear of what disgust I would see on his face.

“That’s my messed up life, but you know, it made me who I am. There were things I couldn’t control. I was a kid! I don’t feel like I’m a messed up person!” I stated defensively.

I felt Steven’s hand on my elbow and turned to face him, shaking.

“You’re not messed up! You’re an incredible woman having lived through that and still being able to love, to give. And you do. You are one of the most generous people I have ever met.”

He brushed the tears from my cheeks and kissed my forehead before hugging me close. “I love you,” he whispered as he stroked my hair.

“I love you too.”

Steven and I were good to our word not to do more than hug and kiss for a month. Then Jess, Steven’s wife, went to visit family out of town, and Peter had a weeklong business trip to Mexico. Since neither of us was working, Steven and I were chatting on the phone.

“Peter wouldn’t let me cook when we first got married,” I was sharing.

“I do most of the cooking,” Steven interjected.

“Are you a good cook?”

“Of course I am!”

“Oh, sure.”

“I’ll prove it to you. Come over tonight, and I will make you my specialty, jambalaya.”

“Okay! What time?”

“What time do you usually eat? Around 6?”

“That works for me.”

The butterflies in my stomach took flight as soon as we hung up the phone. We haven’t had the chance to be alone for much to happen lately. We still hold each other, kissing and talking, when we close and have to make the night deposit. I could sense that we both wanted more, but we had no opportunity to act on it.

Light pours from the house as Steven ushers me in. The delicious aroma of onions, peppers, and chicken linger in the air as his dog whimpers for me to pet her. He starts to shoo her away, but I bend to greet her, ingratiating myself with her by scratching behind her ear.

Steven planted a small kiss on my lips.

“Smells great!” I beamed as I took in my surroundings. The over-sized, comfy-looking couch, the pot on the stove, the table set for two with candles.

“Hungry?” Steven’s mood is jovial and infectious.

“Starved!”

I studied Steven over each bite I took. He was chattering about music, one of his favorite topics! He seemed nervous, but oddly I didn’t. It seemed to me that he was trying to impress me, which only endeared him more to me. He pulled my chair out for me. When I offered to help with the dishes, he declined my help.

“Would you like to watch a movie?” he asked, a little hesitant.

“Sure.”

When he began to read out a list of titles, I stopped him with, “You choose.”

“Okay.” He thumbed through a few more titles before popping a movie in. His selection, The Princess Bride. He asked if I had seen it before, and I replied, honestly, that I hadn’t.

I insisted on using Steven as a pillow, which I knew must have been difficult, but I longed to be close to him, to have him hold me. His fingers slowly moved up and down my arm, almost tickling but definitely tantalizing me. I heard him inhale deeply and then felt his lips brush the top of my head and looked up.

We kissed, hunger burning in each of us for the other. Soon his head was inside the sweatshirt I was wearing, he had unhooked my bra, and his hot, persistent lips were expertly teasing my nipples. His wet mouth was sucking on them. My arms were wrapped around his head, fingers playing in his hair, and my lower region was on fire.

I lifted my hands in the air. Steven read my gesture and deftly lifted my sweatshirt over my head to expose my upper half. I toyed with the buttons on his shirt. Unbuttoning one, kissing him. Unbuttoning another, kissing him again. Unbuttoning a third one, sliding my hand inside to graze his broad chest, and kissing him deeply. Because I was straddling him, I could feel the bulge in his pants, and I ground against him.

“Oh, god!” he moans. His hands were under my mini skirt tugging at my sopping wet panties. bahis şirketleri He discarded them on the floor as we kissed passionately. His arms wrapped around me, and Steven pressed me back into the cushiony softness of the couch. I reached for his pants, starting by unbuttoning them, and he stood as I unzipped them, freeing his swelling cock.

After discarding his pants, he positioned himself between my legs. His finger stroked my wet pussy, and he commented, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so wet!” as he smiled a devilish grin and leaned in for a kiss.

I realized he was kneeling on the floor, and that must mean he was going to bury his face between my legs. I could feel myself getting even wetter. His kisses meandered from my mouth, down my neck, to my abdomen while his fingers stroked my wetness. One finger slid inside of me, and I pressed against his hand, grabbing his wrist as I moan, “Yes.”

The long stroke of his tongue along my lower lips sent shivers through me. These intensified when his mouth surrounded the folds of skin over my clit, and he sucked on them. His finger was still moving in and out, my hips still grinding against him. I was overwhelmed by the entirety of feelings he was creating as he continued to lick and suck, fingers gliding back and forth – deeper with each inward motion.

“Oh, Steven,” I cry, “Fuck me!”

I wasn’t sure whether I had said this out loud because Steven made no move to mount me but allowed his tongue to drive me crazy with long, slow, luxurious licks. Then suddenly he sucked my clit into his mouth again, increasing the pressure.

“Fuck me!” I screamed, wanting to make sure he heard me this time.

“Not yet,” he responded. “You’re not ready yet.”

“But I am! Oh, god, I need to feel you inside of me,” I panted, but I could feel a building of pressure down below and was suddenly not sure I was ready.

I looked down at Steven, who was still busy coaxing such exquisite pleasure from me and saw him watching me intently. When we made eye contact, he smiled.

I could feel my body tensing, then starting to shiver, convulsing in waves. And I finally felt Steven’s rock hard cock slide deep inside my quivering thatch. He didn’t move, but I ground against him as my body continued to shudder. He bent over and kissed me deeply, sucking my tongue into his mouth.

“Fuck me, now,” I pleaded, barely audible.

“Mmm, yes! Now you’re ready,” Steven’s deep, sexy voice answered.

His thrusts were long and slow, deliberate as we began to move with each other. He felt so incredible inside of me, filling me, delighting me. He stroked my hair, kissing me passionately, hungrily. I wrapped my legs around him, the better to match each deep thrust he made.

Steven’s hands were beneath my bottom, pulling me towards him as our pace increased. I opened myself wider to him, grabbed his ass to pull him deeper as he fucks me harder. We were looking into each other’s eyes, transfixed by the joy we were feeling. Faster, he moved. Deeper.

I felt him tense and knew that he must be close. “Cum for me, Steven,” I encouraged him, pressing harder against him, grinding my hips against his. His strokes became longer but more sporadic. He buried himself deeper inside me each time. Finally, he rammed his cock deep inside me, leaning to kiss me deeply, and shot his hot, sticky cum inside me.

We were both breathless, planting kisses on each other wherever we can land one. Steven’s full weight was lying on top of me, and I loved feeling him give himself to me. He started to move, “Sorry, I must be crushing you.”

“No, stay! I like feeling you there,” I reassured him.

I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to hold him there, our naked bodies touching each other, forever. So, I kept my legs wrapped securely around him, played with his hair, ran my nails along his back, fully enjoying the moment. But I knew it couldn’t last forever.

Steven sat up, retrieved the articles of clothing we had strewn about the floor, and handed me mine. As I took them, he grabbed my hand and kissed it, shyly looking up at me. No words were necessary. The tingle traveling up my arm communicated perfectly the message he intended to convey.

We rewound the movie to the last part we recalled seeing. I snuggled against Steven again, and he pressed play. We watched the remainder in absolute comfort with each other, and then I had to leave to make sure my dogs were taken care of.

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