Reflections…and Ben Ch. 01

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Ben Esra telefonda seni bosaltmami ister misin?
Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32

When my emotions become overwhelming, I rush to set down my thoughts. I never know where they are going. For most of my life, I have not had a plan…not one that I actually followed, that is. Now, with the years advancing upon me, there is a real urgency to finally set one goal, and work to achieve it. I will not die alone.

I am through with being alone – living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone. Thoughts well up inside of me and start to coalesce way before they enter my consciousness. If I do not find an outlet like this, I descend into a flurry of sobs and tears that drag me into deep depression and pain. It all has a certain logic to it, that I have come to fully understand. I have plied the depths of my memory; and forced open the vaults of personal history that were once tightly shut. Vaults that held the reasons for my lifelong loneliness and anguish have given up their contents. That much is done.

The challenge now, as it has been for the last five years, is to move past understanding and into action. Oh, I have made some lifestyle improvements. I have learned to value myself as a person – to regain some of the self worth and confidence that was lost so long ago. Trauma of the mental and emotional type can have a lasting effect. Mine has lasted way too long. In hindsight, I have been wallowing in a form of self-pity; and have neglected to push past my past once and for all.

Anyway, I have to meet a friend for dinner. His name is Ben. Ben and I met at work about a month ago. We were chatty right from the start…a playful kind of humorous camaraderie laced with subtle sexual innuendo. He is hot. There is a hint of European to his look. He is a match to me in height, weight, build and ass. My ass is a good one. Ben’s ass is way beyond good. Only twice before have I been friends with such a beautiful man. My first roommate in college was everything a guy should be: handsome, intelligent, well mannered, studious, built like a stud. That was Stewart.

Stewart was the kind of guy you tried to get close to in any possible way. You breathed in deeply whenever he came near. You touched him ‘bro’ style whenever you could. You beat off to the fantasy of making love to and with Stewart. You sank into despair every time this straight stud spoke to or about his girlfriend. He confided every possible piece of juicy information regarding his relationship with her. The dorm room we shared rokettube porno was small, guaranteeing a near-naked view of my hottie roommate on a daily basis.

Kent was a co-worker at the Air Force hospital where I served my laboratory training. A group of us there had become fast friends; and we rented a small country cottage together to live ‘off base’. Kent was everything I felt I was not. He was textbook handsome in a Hollywood way. He was muscular like a toned model. His smile could melt steel. His voice was like honey. We all went on a trip to snow country once, on a break. He came face-to-face with a relative of one of us on our first night there. I watched the movie unfold before me. They had stopped in their tracks about four feet apart. the Universe went into slow motion.

Kent smiled. She smiled. Nobody moved. I could see their thoughts. They were charged and ready to electrify each other from their first glance. The two of them were inseparable for the weekend. Pure lust. Pure sex. I lusted after Kent for a year before that weekend. As with Stewart, my ‘sex’ with Kent was a solo performance…with lots of curtain calls! The one bathroom we all shared that weekend had a nice big and deep tub. Kent soaked out the days activities as I washed up at the sink, towel around my waist. The mirror gave me a perfect view of his wet and wonderful body. Then she popped her head in to have a look.

“Get in with me – I won’t do anything!” He cooed those words to HER, not to me.

Ben is soft-spoken and almost docile in nature. Yet when he helped me move to a new apartment, it became obvious just how strong he really is. He rode shotgun in the truck I rented. By days end his efforts and his scent had me hot as hell. Did I mention it was winter?! The confines of the truck made for some good and revealing conversation.

“Yeah. I kind of thought you were gay.” Ben was direct when he spoke.

I came out to him in the hopes that…well, that he would open up to me; and turn my fantasies about him into reality. What resulted was a good listener, who offered to help me find a guy!

“I know a few guys who would likely take to you…if you want me to say something…”

Please do, Ben.

“Okay, I will.”

We worked together as usual. Ben cornered me in the warehouse a few days later. Before he spoke, the glint in his eyes rus porno turned me on to the point of embarrassment.

“Got a name and number for you.” He always spoke slowly, deliberately, and in the most sexy tone a man can have. “He is a friend of mine; you can trust him if you trust me.”

I took the paper. Chris was nice. We had an interesting conversation over snacks at the downtown Tea Shop. I like to be kind. It was easy to be kind with Chris; but the nice person sitting across the table from me did not move me at all. There simply was no chemistry to build on. He took my kindness for interest, and said he looked forward to our next meeting. We hugged and I said nothing. My text to him was sent within the hour. Told him I was looking for a certain ‘vibe’, and wished him well.

“Chris is upset.”

With me?

“He thinks you played him. I told him not to confuse you with a game player. Told him you have a positive style and would never knowingly hurt anyone.” Ben said this while plumbing the depths of me with his hypnotic blue-grey eyes.

I was at a loss for words. I feel that way whenever I am close to Ben, and this thing with Chris just added to my confusion. I must have looked like a lost puppy.

“It’s okay, I understand you. Maybe things will go better with Vincent.” He held out his hand, and as I took the note, our fingers touched. I swear there was an actual spark! Must have been the dry winter air. His face sported a smirk. His eyes narrowed. I blushed, thanked him, and turned away quickly.

Vincent and I met in an upscale restaurant of his choosing. He greeted me warmly. When taken to our table, he took the ‘power seat’ facing other diners, and proceeded to check out the crowd for the duration of our dinner. I practically leaned into his salad and stared at him the whole time, trying to catch his gaze for more than a few seconds. No. The room was his to play. Whatever conversation we had was between me, Vincent, and the room. He wasn’t directly verbally rude. He was just more interested in…The Room. I learned about his new Mercedes, his big retirement plan, and his favorite tailor. Does that imply more than one?

“How did it go?” Ben just did the impossible – he annoyed me.

I think you know. (I am not amused, and I show it)

“I’m sorry.” His chest rises and falls from a deep and long breath.

I long to russian porno inhale what he has just exhaled. Gotta keep up my anger. Why did you set me up like that? He is so not my type and you have to know it. The guy is a total narcissist. What do you think I am? What do you think I like in a guy?

“Me.”

My jaw just dropped…visibly. My face feels hot. Our eyes have locked on in the way that makes each of us reveal the true nature within our souls – no secrets can be kept when under this spell. Ben. I…

“It’s obvious. It’s obvious to me that you like me for more than just our workdays together. I see you eyeing me when you think I don’t. You check me out whenever you can. What you do not get is how I feel about you. How I wish I could be open like you are. Maybe I am better at keeping my secrets; but I think the time has come for me to speak out.”

My mind is racing. I have learned to use mindfulness to keep me on track in panic situations, but this just rolls over those feeble attempts. Leaning on his refrigerator like I am doing will not suffice for the dialogue that is surely ahead. Okay, Ben. Let’s sit and talk. We move to the couch. We sit facing each other. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap – a safety blanket to hold onto; and a visual prop to separate us. I can not sit like this so close to Ben without getting aroused.

“Pillow talk?” His words and his hand come at the same moment, and my safety prop is tossed gently to the floor. “I set you up with those two guys knowing you would not hit it off. How could I do otherwise when I want you for myself? I should have just come out and told you, but I played a stupid mind game to try and get you to see me as your real match. I am direct when I speak; but that rides on a sea of self doubt that I keep bottled up. I could not even reveal my feelings for you…how I longed to be with you…to touch you…”

He reaches out a places a hand on my knee. I place mine on top of his. My anger melts away and I want to melt into Ben. He is so very close. So very vulnerable. I believe I see a tear forming in those stunning eyes of his and that is too much for me to bear. I lean in. As my face approaches his, his eyes close and those tears get pressed out onto his cheeks. Our first kiss is gentle; a warm and beautifully brief touching of lips that sends a shiver through my body. I start to pull away, but Ben’s strong hands find the back of my neck and he pulls me swiftly back to his now open and warm mouth. Our tongues collide, and then find the rhythm that makes my legs weak and my heart race.

“I want to tell you…” I cut him off with another kiss.

Not now, Ben. Just show me, instead.

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